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Title: Letter For No Destination 6
Author: Eliza2000 (Crappest username ever :D)
Pairing: None really but sort of Jared/Shannon
Rating: Irsquo;ll go with 15 for angst
Warnings: ANGST. Implied self-harm, suicidal tendencies, love of pain, blood, implied lsquo; lsquo;somethingrsquo;s-happened-to-Jaredrsquo;
Disclaimer: Actually, Irsquo;m kinda glad this isnrsquo;t true for J
Authorrsquo;s Note: I am not giving J a break yet. (Will soon but not yet.) So those of you who want me to give him a break, Irsquo;m Not Doing That Yet. Not A Happy Fic. And apparently, this fic likes me more than I thought it would and it wonrsquo;t leave me alone. So I wrote more.

Inspired by Kynx_Fic who made my day and for kdoran51 and Howdothesework who saw me through until tomorrow.

This time, Shannon finds no letter. There hasnrsquo;t been one for a while and perhaps he saw it as a good thing. Maybe he thought Jared was getting better, maybe he thought Jared might come talk to him.

And then therersquo;s that little part of Shannon that knows the truth, that little part of himself that he knows and detests. Because, in Shannonrsquo;s heart of hearts, he knows therersquo;s that little part of him thatrsquo;s ignoring the thought that Jaredrsquo;s had a relapse.

And, if hersquo;s brutally honest with himself, he knows he should have known better.

Because they had a problem today.

To begin with, the concert went fine. They started well enough and Jared was putting on a fantastic show of being absolutely fine.

But eventually, he wasnrsquo;t singing anymore, he was just letting the crowd do it. Shannon thought almost nothing of it to begin with, but after three songs, Tomo went over to him.

"Jared, you gotta do these lyrics, too."

And Jared had turned his face away from the crowd and stared wide-eyed at Tomo.

"Tomo," he whispered, "I canrsquo;t remember the fucking words"

Tomo told Shannon, and Shannon walked up to the mic and plastered a smile on his face.

"Hey" he shouted.

And the crowd had responded with the expected enthusiasm.

"You guys, I need to take a break, all this drummingrsquo;s killing mehellip;"

The crowd only cheered him.

"And while wersquo;re on a break, I wanna know who thinks they can sing"

A thousand voices cried out to him, and Jared watched him, keeping his distance.

"What do you think, Jared?"

Jaredrsquo;s eyes widened momentarily and then he caught on and beamed at the crowd. Hersquo;s one hell of an actor.

"I think you, there," he said, catching on, "with the scarf and the armband and the banner Come on up here"

For a moment, the girl gave no reaction.

"Come on" Jared encouraged. "With the lsquo;I love Letorsquo; banner. Come up here and tell Tomo you love him, too."

The next five or ten minutes were spent talking to the completely starstruck girl. Her name was Kat, or something, and Shannon managed to get her to sing R-Evolve. She was right, she was a damned good singer, but he barely noticed. Instead, he grabbed Jared, who kept the smile on his face all the way through.

"Tomo says you canrsquo;t remember."

"Itrsquo;s my hands," Jared answered. "I canrsquo;t play any more tonight, I can barely move them. And I canrsquo;t think."

"What are we supposed to do?" Shannon had asked.

"Find someone who plays guitar?"

And that was how the concert had ended, with a short guy ndash; good guitarist ndash; who informed them that hersquo;d listened to The Kill so many times he knew what he was doing, playing the last song of their set.

Theyrsquo;d signed, sure, but Jared had done a lot of talking, mainly to keep taking breaks and avoid getting blood all over various pages and garments that were thrust in his direction.

And now Shannon knows he should have figured.

Because itrsquo;s half past two in the morning. And he knows he keeps his strength up with the pull-up-bar hersquo;s fixed in the bathroom. And if itrsquo;s strong enough to take his weighthellip;

He never really knows how he knows. Maybe it was a noise Jared made that woke him, maybe they still share some sort of connection, but whatever it is, he knows what Jaredrsquo;s doing.

By the time he gets to the bathroom, kicks the door in, Jaredrsquo;s already hanging by his neck by one of his scarves from Shannonrsquo;s bar, his hands tied behind his back with a plastic zip-tie. But hersquo;s still kicking.

Shannon takes hold of his legs and pushes upward, giving his brother some slack.

"Tomo" he screams, and Jared struggles against him. "Get a knife"

"No" Jared rasps. "Let go"

"Tomo," Shannon yells again. "Get me a fucking knife, Tomo"

It seems like an age before Tomo gets to them, Shannonrsquo;s knife in his hand ndash; the beautiful one with the engraved leaves that Jared got him for Christmas ndash; and Shannon snatches it away and saws at the scarf tied to the bar.

Tomo helps support Jared and Shannon gets a better angle on the scarf.

When Jaredrsquo;s free, they both take his weight, and Jaredrsquo;s still fighting them off. He cracks his skull on the sink, hooks his ankle behind the toilet, but Shannon wrenches him away and puts him on the floor.

"Let me go" hersquo;s rasping, trying to shout the words with enough vehemence to convince his brother.

Hersquo;ll never do it.

Shannon snaps the plastic around Jaredrsquo;s wrists and brings his hands forward. Jared starts to sob his entreaties.

"Please let me do it" he screams, but Shannon takes his face in his hands.

Jared doesnrsquo;t want the contact, but Shannon doesnrsquo;t let go.

"Jared" he shouts. "Look at me"

The blue eyes meet his but they donrsquo;t belong to Jared anymore. Something has taken them over.

"Please, let me do it, Shannon," he whispers, trying to turn his head away.

"No," Shannon says firmly, and Jared stares a moment longer and then bursts into tears.

"I want to die, Shannon," he says, curling forward, hugging his knees toward himself. "Please, I just want to diehellip;"

Shannonrsquo;s pretty sure hersquo;s crying himself. He knows Tomo is. And neither of them could miss Jaredrsquo;s hysteria.

Shannon knows Jared doesnrsquo;t want any contact, but Shannon also knows he needs it. Shannon needs it too. He reaches forward and pulls Jared into his arms, rests his head against Jaredrsquo;s and looks up at his friend.

"I think we need to call someone," he whispers.

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